Thursday, 22 September 2011

They walk amongst us!

The Aliens are here, they are just very boring. Hundreds of Alien spies have been placed in all areas of the world but being so advanced they just get snapped up into business and industry due to the worldwide skills shortage. Once embedded into their work culture they realize it's much easier cruising through a 9-5 job than cruising through the galaxy with your Commander breathing down your to ''empty the space toilets!'' and ''shine up that anti-gravity drive!''.

The CIA discovered several Aliens working secretly at a data processing company,  where they had formed a 'Keeping up with the Kardashians Fan Club'  and joined a
Quidditch team, the Agency decided leaving them to carry on was the best punishment available.

Some entire model aircraft clubs are known to be Alien membership, 16% of all accountants are from the nebula G-es-tea, all taxation forms are clearly of Alien origin, lawn bowling clubs are maintained as emergency UFO landing strips.

The dullest profession the Aliens inhabit is of course politics, where they hardly need too camouflage their bizarre speech,  mannerisms and features at all, luckily in our country it's efficient and dynamic public servants that really run the country.

So if you discover an Alien in your workplace, don't get panicked, take it out too a library or something fun, it could use the excitement.  

Wednesday, 14 September 2011


Times it by two and what do you get? Every hip teenagers favourite pastime, the Yo-yo! But it wasn't always so long ago string shortages during WWII caused the Allies send crack commando squads into Germany to liberate top quality Yo-yo string so  British children could enjoy 'Walking the dog' during the Blitz, brave heroes all of them.
Ancient Hebrew for ''Fad Fad''  the first known Yo-yos appeared in ancient Greece round 500BC, where a boy attempted a vigorous 'Round the World'  and accidently blinded an onlooking giant hence creating the legend of the Cyclops.
Emperor Nero fiddled while Rome burned then Yo-yoed as it was rebuilt with Yo-yo Tournaments replacing gladiator thumb wrestling during his reign.
In the Dark Ages Yo-yos were associated with witchcraft because their whizzing sound was reported to conjure up demons and many Yo-yos were confiscated and locked in the Bishops desk till after Mass.
Fast forward to the 1700's where ornate Yo-yos were carved from Dodo beak to adorn fashionable ladies when stepping out. 
The modern Yo-yo scene is vibrant and we've all enjoyed the Yo-yo Roadshow on TV, seeing the various shapes, colours and LED lighting now available, with one Yo-yo owned by Molly Meldrum going for over $23!  
Some things never go out of fashion, see you at the next club meeting. 

Friday, 9 September 2011

There's No Place (to) Like Gnome(s)

I bet your thinking ''Gnomes are so cool! This is going to be an excellent gnomey update on everything rad concerning the known gnomiverse! ''.
Well you couldn't be more wrongerful, gnomes are wicked, spiteful creatures and should not be trusted and I'll tell you why.
Enchanted ceramic gnomes became popular in the 1840's where they were put in  vegetable patches to scare away thieving Pixies by playing Irish folk music ballads after becoming animated by the light of the moon. Unfortunately their constant pipe smoking also gave some of vegies skin tumors, particularly the pumpkins.
The next application for gnomes was to guard goldfish ponds from hungry waterbirds but they instantly turned to fishing out the goldfish themselves and trading them for leather vests.
Lately these tiny terrors have been utilized is for keeping spare house keys safe by standing on them outside peoples front doors.. This has only led to a rash of break and enters because the gnomes put up little resistance to full grown people and there's actually hidden camera footage of one gnome collaborating with a burgular after motioning with his eyes towards the house key beneath him. The owners lost most of their home electronics and two Barbie dolls. The dolls were thankfully later released in exchange for a small tub of moustashe wax.
Monitor your gnomes peple! Keep them tethered by night or place them in a government accredited 'Gnome Hutch' if you're worried about gnome cruelty.
And please remember gnome wrestling is still banned in all states except on Zach Galifianakis'  Birthday.