Saturday, 30 July 2011

One fish, two fish, STOP!

The thing about things is that you sometimes forget about stuff, important stuff, stuff happens and things do not , so what's the answer? therapy? Yes, but it's a whole lot more.I once collected so many things someone suggested I cut back a little so I did but that's just one horror story.
Here's just a few yarns from the vaults about collectors gone mad. If you have a weak stomach, turn back now!

One old lady I heard of had a collection of souvenir spoons from around the world she failed to keep them adequately dusted so her friends began to shun her due to the poor state of her collection and the shameful grime in the end she was banned from Tuesday night Bingo.

A vintage car part collector from Brisbane had so many spare nut and bolts that he was forced to miss an afternoon of golf to sort and store his collection more efficiently, poor guy, it was sunny..... and mild.

Guitar enthusiast James Buchanan lost a lucrative government job when he fell in love and married his 1963 Fender Stratocaster ''It has the most beautiful body and I love her neck'' he was reported to say at the reception (I had the chicken), some good news though the couple went on to adopt two orphaned Mandolins.

Careful, be alert, don't fall into the trap of having multiples of the same item, or your life may become an Antiques Horrorshow. 

Saturday, 23 July 2011

What I got that he has not

I been weighing up my career against some of my musical peers and it looks a little grim. If I consider Justin Biebers continuing rise to mega-star boy billionaire status against my modest accomplishments and it looks at best, tragic.
Some might say my talent shortfall is a determining factor but I've decided promotion and marketing is where I'm really falling short so:

10 Valid Reasons I'm Superior to Justin Bieber

1. I'm 10-12cm taller. I can get spare condiments down from the top shelf with relative ease.
2. I don't need security when I leave home, mainly because I always wear a disguise of a fattening bald guy.
3. I don't play drums in my spare time or ever.
4. I save dozens of dollars on hair care products every year.
5. Getting mobbed by frenzied ladies is a thing of the past thankfully!
6. I'm not constantly bugged by calls from Usher saying ''What up Biebz?'' or ''How's it goschizzling?''
7. All of my clothes are ironing free which saves so much time for working on my dance routine.
8. My dance routine has 20 extra pelvic thrusts in 2011.
9. All my shows are totally free (gold coin donation appreciated)
10. I mainly say ''Baby'' when referring to a baby and then not repeatedly.

Leave the 'Bieber Army' and sign up to be a 'Dan Fan' today for a free signed passport photo (while stocks last).

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Jesus and the dust harvesters.

Jesus and the dust harvesters:

One morning Jesus was walking on the road beside the Sea of Galilee when he came upon some men gathering dust in the fields. ''Why do you toil so, in the hot morning sun?'' asked Jesus, ''We are the dust harvesters my Lord, we gather the finest dust in all the known lands to lay upon the roads that you tread so to serve you!'' answered one man, ''Do you not see the folly of your ways?'' asked Jesus, ''No, teach us Lord?'' said the men, and Jesus spoketh ''This dust is but the tiniest of fragment of a mighty mountain that is now become humble particles, the cliffs we dared not climb is now ours to walk upon freely so come up from your scrabbling, gather dust no more, walk beside me on the road, the road of freedom'' the men tossed away their dust harvesting utensils and walked along the road with Jesus and all was as it should be.

A reading from the Book of Trevor.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

One country for old men.

Dear South Sudan
 Thanks for the inspiration, hope it works out, love the flag.
Best wishes, Dan.

For the rest of you, Welcome to Dan-o-topia! I'm declaring my own sovereign nation for a 5km radius around my 3 bed, 1 bathroom palace where I slouch benevolently on my flower patterned couch/throne of power. I will be a harsh but fair ruler and you will love me just like we loved Liz the Second in the old days or P.D.L.T. (Pre Dan Lame-o Times) Here's but a few new laws:

1. No more nodding or shaking your head. It's thumbs up or down, two thumbs for state functions.
2. All new biscuits are to personally approved by me. And the old ones are to be re-named e.g Dan Fingers, Iced Dan-Dans, Dim-Dans and  Spicy Dan Rolls.
3. Drive properly. That is good advice in or out of this new nation.
4. Drugs and alcohol are forbidden, spinning till dizzy is the new crazy fad, pubs will have designated spinning areas inside and outside for spin-smokers.
5.Details, details.
The coat of arms: Two budgies squabbling over a millet spray.
State drink: Raspberry diet cola in a Vegemite or Kraft cheese spread jar.
National anthem: Anything by ABBA except 'Fernando'
State flower: A sunflower with a smiley face stuck on.
Our mottos: ''Group hug!'' and ''How's the go going?''

Bring me your thonged and track suited, your balding and bloated for tomorrow we begin life anew in a brave new world. 

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Animazing Animals

Hello Terrans. Lately I've been busy as a animated bee getting together a proposal for a movie idea to pitch to Pixar, the world famous producers of such massively successful movies as 'Finding Nemo' and 'Toy Story'. 
Now from the outside it looks like those guys can take any object or animal and anthropomorphize it then give it  a cute celebrity voice and next thing they're cyberbathing in digital dollars (who bothers with cash these days?) but, there's real talent in picking the thing to be the star of the movie and give it Paul Hogan's voice, I haven't cleared that with Paul but let's be honest, what else has he got going on?

'Happy Feet' was a big hit with the stars being cute animated penguins but real penguins aren't so cute therefore nearly any animal can be cutie-fied as long as it's furry I think? Point in case, animated and real sharks, no fur and both terrifying.
I'm choosing the critically endangered *numbat to be my hero, I need a catchy name too and I think Nigel is probably a winner.

All heroes need a quest and this little guy wants to stop all logging in South Western Australia to save his family from extinction! But he realises the only way to beat ''the man'' is at his own game, therefore he enrolls in university to become a lawyer and fight for green issues the only way he knows how; in court!

So there we have it 'Nigel the Numbat takes on the Australian Supreme Court' animated feature from Pixar voiced by Paul Hogan. Will it be a success? 
I'll call you from my champagne filled gold lavatory and let you know.